So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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