I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
