Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
