I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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