So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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