I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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