Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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