I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
