drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
