Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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