We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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