Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I supernannyed him into submission
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
