Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
