There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
