Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
