Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
