i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
