Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
