I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
