he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
