Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
