I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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