we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
