Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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