I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
