I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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