Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
