i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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