So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
