just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
