I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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