I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
