Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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