my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
