I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
