I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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