When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
