My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I am midnight drunk by noon
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
