I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
