And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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