I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
