my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
