Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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