Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize