Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
