the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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