so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
