i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I stole a fireplace last night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
