So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
