I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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